My niece looking like Maggie from The Simpsons

My niece looking like Maggie from The Simpsons


Nightmare on ATM Street

Sadly, there is no such thing as Capital One in St. Louis which is a far more superior cause for concern that the fact that Bank of America does not have an actual bank in every state in the US.        o_O

Anyway, after a night of being eyeballed and Minority Report stalked as the lotus flower bomb of some guy’s eye and running off in the other direction to marry Mr. Ciroc, my stomach was punishing me for inhaling my food during the night. I don’t think I ever tasted the shrimp or the fries…as soon as the food came out…poof…it was all gone. That being said, I had to eat something for lunch and I decided that I was going to order Chinese food.

And here’s a message from our sponsor, St. Louis’ Did You Know? The people here do not order Chinese food. Instead, they say—“I’m going to order some food from the Chinaman.” It’s the equivalent of calling an Arab person Arab (the latter pronounced as A-rab). And they’re serious…fyi.

Now back to our regularly scheduled show…so I needed to get some money from the ATM. Now, you would think that if I am going to the bank on a Saturday that the lines would not be nearly so long…furthermore the ATM line would be almost non-existent, right? Nope! Instead, it was the complete opposite. I pull into the St. Louis Community Bank parking lot and find what?! Everyone in the damn community is at the bank. Seriously?

With 4-5 cars ahead of me at the ATM, I began to contemplate whether or not it was worthwhile for me to sit in the line. I’m hungry and I must have food…I mean, it’s only a few cars right?! “Nope! Wrong again!” in my Rafiki voice from The Lion King.

Dear Fellow ATM users,

ATMs have been around since they were first introduced into American society in 1969. They are called automated teller machines…key word automated. If you are not familiar with how to utilize one of these neat little contraptions, all you have to do is put your ATM debit or credit card in the slot. Your card will typically have a Visa or MasterCard logo and you will need to know the pin number of the card you are using. If you are unsure of how to perform a transaction at the ATM, please pull into a parking spot CORRECTLY and step inside of the branch for a tutorial.

Now, those of you that drive up the ATM and have to dig through your wallets, purses, socks and bras for your card—there is a special place for people like you. The drill is the same at every single ATM. You need to have your card, know your pin number and key in the amount of money you need. It makes absolutely no sense for you to hold up the entire line while you search for your card. If it’s not where you think you left it, do us all a favor and get the hell out of the line. Pull off, find your card, and get back to the end of the line or go inside of the bank and withdraw your money.

And pay attention dammit! The line is moving and you’re sitting in la la land while the rest of us actually have things do to do, places to go and people to see. Gas is over $4 a gallon in some places and the country has been experiences higher than normal temperatures. No one has time to waste gas and good air conditioner air while you are holding up the line when you could be at the machine.

I wish I knew the classy way to tell you to get the hell out of my way with your monstrosity of a car, but the New Orleans in me only makes me want to jump out of my car and beat on your window or lean on the horn—either way, not a good look.  So, I beseech all of you no-ATM-etiquette donkeys to actually practice having some manners or go inside of the bank. I’m sure there’s someone in there that can appreciate your lackadaisical demeanor –a live teller.

Thank you!

Not as A”Schrute” as Dwight

I was at “work” today when someone rudely interrupted my already in progress conversation to ask me a question that didn’t need to be asked in the first place.


Nope, not even a little.

I have grown to realize that no one in there will ever know as much as I in as short a time. For this reason, I am always the person that wears many different chapeaus. Unfortunately, powers higher than me deemed it so that I was born in the 80s such that when I would become an adult I would be surrounded by a bunch of individuals that lack work ethics and the wherewithal to utilize the resources and knowledge readily available to them. Surprisingly, these are the people who actual make it to be CEOs.


Maybe I should take up slacking as a profession…>mind wanders<…anyway, this person asked me a question and after I gave the individual the answer, that person had the audacity to question what I said. “Are you sure? This says something different.”

I’m sorry. If you already know the answer, what the hell did you ask me for?!

Newsflash: IF YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER, TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE. I’m not in love with the sound of your voice like that.

Please and thanks!

Parking Spot Wars

I arrived home safely, thank God, after a long day’s work. I had to deal with the absolute idiocy of the drivers in St. Louis who just drift through this thing called life all other hours of the day except for rush hour. During this time, it’s like they are violently jolted away and in an otherwise feeble attempt to gather their bearings, they mash on the accelerators. They speed up and without warning slam on their brakes. I wonder if in the pinball games called their lives, if they score extra points for slamming all of the stuff from the backseat of their cars to the front.

These are the moments when the true meaning of “the apple does not fall far from the tree” is most applicable for I have road rage. I’ve come a long way from the Formula One days ha. What can I say? Rome wasn’t built in a day. Wink.

So…I made it home…again, emphasis on the thankfully…and I get ready to back into the parking spot at my residence. Typical maneuver I do every day when I get off. I pull up, check the mirrors, put the car in reverse and back into my spot and get out. But today—it was different. Steps 1-3.5 I completed with no issues.


Therein laid the silent perpetrator that would abruptly and rudely infiltrate my favorite part of the song…

♪You’re out of shape/my mind run a mile a minute/ The sky’s the limit/ I’m so high, I’m diving in it/ My ride is tinted…

Now, most of us saw Kings of Comedy so we all know the part that Cedric the Entertainer talks about when you have to turn the music down when you’re driving just to park or get directions. Okay hold up. I park here every day. This isn’t new to me and neither is the car next to me that has decided to pull into the spot crooked and closer than is “legal” to the line.

It is the most disturbing thing when someone talks to you and you spend your time thinking that maybe you are stupid or bit slow/off with your thinking when you try to make sense of something that is pure buffoonery…I’m in the equivalent situation…me and my Honda…Bonnie and Clyde…lmbo.

I know I’m not the only one. It’s annoying (not the mess up your day kind, but urk you like for real for real kind) when someone parks over the line or crooked because it makes you think that maybe you pulled into the spot wrong or backed into it crooked…even though you pulled up perfectly…maybe you did subconsciously turn the steering wheel just a little. I mean you do this every day…even player’s mess up. Nope, it’s not you. It’s the happy-go-lucky individual driving the red Grand Am that parked over the line and thought nothing of it…or maybe he did, but he had to hurry up and get inside before he had a Somethin’ Flavor of Love moment.


Attention all no parking citizens of America—one day you’re going to come to your car and it’s going to have a big stupid dent in it or long scratch from a car door that is older than you are…Thanks Madea in advance. 🙂