Nightmare on ATM Street

Sadly, there is no such thing as Capital One in St. Louis which is a far more superior cause for concern that the fact that Bank of America does not have an actual bank in every state in the US.        o_O

Anyway, after a night of being eyeballed and Minority Report stalked as the lotus flower bomb of some guy’s eye and running off in the other direction to marry Mr. Ciroc, my stomach was punishing me for inhaling my food during the night. I don’t think I ever tasted the shrimp or the fries…as soon as the food came out…poof…it was all gone. That being said, I had to eat something for lunch and I decided that I was going to order Chinese food.

And here’s a message from our sponsor, St. Louis’ Did You Know? The people here do not order Chinese food. Instead, they say—“I’m going to order some food from the Chinaman.” It’s the equivalent of calling an Arab person Arab (the latter pronounced as A-rab). And they’re serious…fyi.

Now back to our regularly scheduled show…so I needed to get some money from the ATM. Now, you would think that if I am going to the bank on a Saturday that the lines would not be nearly so long…furthermore the ATM line would be almost non-existent, right? Nope! Instead, it was the complete opposite. I pull into the St. Louis Community Bank parking lot and find what?! Everyone in the damn community is at the bank. Seriously?

With 4-5 cars ahead of me at the ATM, I began to contemplate whether or not it was worthwhile for me to sit in the line. I’m hungry and I must have food…I mean, it’s only a few cars right?! “Nope! Wrong again!” in my Rafiki voice from The Lion King.

Dear Fellow ATM users,

ATMs have been around since they were first introduced into American society in 1969. They are called automated teller machines…key word automated. If you are not familiar with how to utilize one of these neat little contraptions, all you have to do is put your ATM debit or credit card in the slot. Your card will typically have a Visa or MasterCard logo and you will need to know the pin number of the card you are using. If you are unsure of how to perform a transaction at the ATM, please pull into a parking spot CORRECTLY and step inside of the branch for a tutorial.

Now, those of you that drive up the ATM and have to dig through your wallets, purses, socks and bras for your card—there is a special place for people like you. The drill is the same at every single ATM. You need to have your card, know your pin number and key in the amount of money you need. It makes absolutely no sense for you to hold up the entire line while you search for your card. If it’s not where you think you left it, do us all a favor and get the hell out of the line. Pull off, find your card, and get back to the end of the line or go inside of the bank and withdraw your money.

And pay attention dammit! The line is moving and you’re sitting in la la land while the rest of us actually have things do to do, places to go and people to see. Gas is over $4 a gallon in some places and the country has been experiences higher than normal temperatures. No one has time to waste gas and good air conditioner air while you are holding up the line when you could be at the machine.

I wish I knew the classy way to tell you to get the hell out of my way with your monstrosity of a car, but the New Orleans in me only makes me want to jump out of my car and beat on your window or lean on the horn—either way, not a good look.  So, I beseech all of you no-ATM-etiquette donkeys to actually practice having some manners or go inside of the bank. I’m sure there’s someone in there that can appreciate your lackadaisical demeanor –a live teller.

Thank you!

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